DOUGLAS REES claims to be an unemployed zeppelin pilot.

Little is known of his past, but his claims to have been conceived during a black mass in the Paraguayan rain forest by the illicit union of a snake cult goddess and a prominent Nazi war criminal are probably no truer than the other things he usually says.

After serving in the Riff War with the Foreign Legion (1921-1926), achieving the rank of Adjutant, he married Edith Piaf for a time, but left her when she became jealous of his superlative rendition of “Alouette”. He then met the young Orson Welles, and had a formative influence on the young man, telling him “Kid, there’s as much chance of you getting to direct Citizen Kane as there is of an invasion from Mars.” which proved to be stunningly correct.

He is the author of a number of works, including Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, Bartlett’s Unfamiliar Quotations, The Dictionary, The Periodic Table, The Collected Works , Old Yeller, Recherche de les Tantes Perdues, and The California Vehicle Code (the Musical). His influence on Western Civilization (a term he coined) is beyond dispute. He founded the Anglican Church so that he wouldn’t have to learn Latin. He sold Sacajawea the road map she used to guide Lewis and Clark (two of his former students when he was Superintendent at West Point). His Gettysburg Address is credited with ending the Civil War, and in 1991, he overthrew the Soviet Union after Raisa Gorbachev refused to sleep with him.

He holds twenty-seven Ph.D.’s from Oxford University, and his dissertation on the development of the shoelace is regarded as the definitive work on the subject.

His picture book What Color is the Inside of a Box at Midnight? was praised by Sartre as “le plus meaningless thing I ever saw in ma whole goddam vie.” and won the Nobel Prize for Economics. It is presently being produced by Steven Spielberg, with Bruce Willis in the role of the Box. At present, Mr. Rees is manipulating the stock market in order to get all the money in the world, redesigning the Pacific Ocean, and negotiating the merger of the Roman Catholic Church with the World Wrestling Federation with the object of making himself Pope. “I can take John Paul II out in the third round,” he declares. “And when I do, we’re moving the whole operation to San Diego.”

The entire human race is united in awe and reverence for him.

Mr. Rees is a graduate of Poly High.